For You I Just Can't
by FeveredNights
Summary: A new little idea I came up with. Shizuma/Nagisa Shizuma/Miyuki. Basically Shizuma being unloyal for the one she wants most. Read and Review! Chapter 3 is up people! Thanks for the reviews so much!
1. I cant

Shizuma and Miyuki were cuddling on the couch watching a movie when her phone vibrated. It was a text. She knew who it was without even looking.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," she said as she untangled herself from her body. Miyuki watches her as she walks away. She enters the bathroom and closes the door behind her. Shizuma sits down on the side of the tub before reluctantly opening her phone. She reads the message.

**I need to see you. Please call me. I'll be waiting.**

She doesn't know what to do. She's tired of hurting Miyuki, but she can't resist the urge. She dials the all-too-familiar number.

"Hey, Beautiful," the voice on the other line answers.

"Hi, Amane," she says a little too loudly.

"Heh, your nerd must be home. I haven't seen you in a few days. I miss you. Come over."

"Shopping," Shizuma replies with her eyes on the door, " that sounds fantastic. I'll be there in an hour."

"See you then." Shizuma can hear the smirk in the voice.

"Bye," she says before hanging up the phone. She flushes the toilet then runs the water. She looks in the mirror and sees the sadness in her own eyes. She's doing it again. Hurting Miyuki again. And she doesn't know how to stop.

She leaves the bathroom and snuggles up to Miyuki again. Her hand rubs against her chest as Miyuki's rub up and down her back.

"Yuki," she says as she looks into her eyes, " you know I love you right? More than anything. You're so important to me. Everything I am and ever will be is because of you. You're my heart and soul. Please, tell me you know that." Miyuki looks down at her with a small smile.

Shizuma can tell there was slight hesitation in her voice but she decides to ignore it. She has a feeling that Miyuki knows the truth and it must hurt her so much. Maybe she thinks as long as she has most of her, it would be okay. She does love Miyuki, but that other person makes her feel things she never felt before. It's addictive. She tries to fight it and just say no. But then that sexy voice whispers the world in her ear and she is left too weak to fight anymore.

The movie finally ends and Miyuki asks if she wants to watch another. She says no and starts to walk towards their bedroom. Miyuki grabs her arm and brings her body into her. She kisses her slowly at first, then more passionately. She puts all her love into that kiss, as if it's a last chance. She does this every time she thinks Shizuma's going to leave her, to let her know she has her. Miyuki wants her and loves her so much. She doesn't have to go to some other girl. She's all she needs. Miyuki releases her lips but holds her close. She looks into her eyes, mentally pleading with her to stay, be with her, and prove to her that she doesn't need someone else. Shizuma knows what Miyuki wants but she can't. She kisses her on the cheek and continues into their bedroom.

Shizuma changes into her little black dress that she bought a few days before. It hugs her in all the right places and would make anyone go crazy. Miyuki walks up behind her as she sits at the vanity. She watches as she applies her makeup and combs her hair.

"Where are you off to?" Miyuki asks as she kisses her lightly on the cheek so not to smudge her makeup. Shizuma looks up at her through the reflection of the mirror.

"Going to hang out with Amane for a bit. We're gong to the mall I haven't seen her in awhile so we've got some catching up to do." Miyuki's face is unreadable and Shizuma's afraid what she will say next.

"I see. Will you be gone long?"

"Not too late I hope. But you know how girls are, we can't seem to shut up." She gets up and grabs her purse. " Maybe you should invite friends over."

"Yeah, maybe," Miyuki says as Shizuma kisses her on the cheek.

"Bye."

"Bye." And then she's out the door.

Shizuma gets into her car and drives the familiar roads. This is wrong, she's knows it wrong. But her body is aching, especially after that amazing kiss from Miyuki. She knows what that kiss meant, all that she was trying to say. Yet, here she is. Another night away from her the woman she planned to marry someday. She gets out of her car goes up to the apartment building. She hits the buzzer to the apartment.

"Hello," the familiar voice says.

"Its me," Shizuma speakers into the speaker.

"Come on up," the voice says. There is a loud buzz before the door into the building unlocks. Shizuma goes in and walks up the stairs to the apartment. The door is already open so she walks in. She goes into the living room but no one is there. She tries the kitchen but that too is empty.

"Shizuma," she hears the voice whispered in her ear. She turns around and looks into the eyes of her lover.

"Hey Nagisa," she smiles. She looks into the deep eyes and gets lost in them. Nagisa runs her hand over Shizuma's cheek.

"You look beautiful tonight." Nagisa says as she leans in to kiss Shizuma gently on the lips. "Come on. I made you dinner. " She grabs the other girl's hand and pulls her to the dining room. They sit down at opposite ends of the small table. They talk about their days as they eat the meal Nagisa prepared. After their done, they both wash the dishes, joking and laughing with each other. Through it all, the guilt still weighed heavily on Shizuma. And its then that she decides what she has to do.

"Nagisa, we need to talk," Shizuma says in the most serious tone Nagisa has ever heard her use. Deep down, Nagisa knew this was coming…that her time with Shizuma was borrowed and she have to eventually give it back.

"Okay," she says with her head down. Shizuma goes and sits on the couch while Nagisa sits on the table across from her. Shizuma holds Nagisa's hands as she speaks.

"Nagisa, the day you came into my life was the day that changed my world. When I spotted you in the forest I knew that you were the one for me. That sexy, sultry sound that came from your lips made me weak. From that moment on, I've wanted you. You are so beautiful." She runs her hand down Nagisa's cheek. "This is gonna be the hardest thing I ever do. I'm sorry, Nagisa, but we can't anymore. I'm with Miyuki and I love her. It's been killing her and me. I can't do this to her anymore. It's not fair to her or you. I do care about you. You're so important to me. I just have to do what's right." She wipes the tears that fall from Nagisa's face. It's so hard to hurt her like this but there's nothing she can do.

"I know, Shizuma. It was only a matter of time before you realized you had to leave me. I've dreaded it since the beginning. But I need…can I have tonight, one last night. It will mean everything to me. Give me tonight." Nagisa leans in and kisses Shizuma hard on the lips, not waiting for an answer. Shizuma kisses back with just as much force is all the answer she needs. She pulls Shizuma up and walks back towards her bed room, never losing contact with her lips. If this was going to be their last time, she was going to make it count. Hours and hours passes, and through it you can hear screams of passion, of love, of tears, and of last moments.

Nagisa , wrapped only in a sheet, walks Shizuma to the door.

"I love you Shizuma," she says," and if you ever change your mind, I'll be here. Not forever, but for a while." Shizuma kisses her on the lips and walks out the door. She goes to her car and cries. She couldn't believe how difficult that had been. She loved Nagisa, a part of her will always love Nagisa. She drives away, forcing herself not to look back. When she got home, she sees Miyuki asleep on the couch. Miyuki had waited for her. She looks around. The place is the same as when she left. She didn't have people over. Se just waited. She pulled a blanket over her, then kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry, Miyuki," she says to her sleeping form.

She feels her phone vibrate. She looks down at the text message.

**I love you, Shizuma. I lied, I'm not ready to say goodbye. Come back to me.**

She looks over at Miyuki and then back at her phone. She goes to her room and cries in her bed. She knows she will go back to Nagisa, just like she always does. Every time she convinces herself she won't, she still will. Nagisa is her drug, her lifeline, and Shizuma is the addict that can't get enough. As longs as Nagisa keeps giving her what she needs, she'll keep coming. And that whispering voice will never let her go.

**End Of Chapter:**

**But really guys I need reviews on this. I need to know if I should leave it or keep adding chapters. Ideas Ideas from all of you. Im begging.**


	2. Mixed Love

Shizuma's eyes lazily opened. Reluctantly she rose. Transfixing on the sleeping form on the other side of the bed. Shizuma put a frail hand on the other girls shoulder and shook gently. Miyuki stirred from underneath the covers. Shizuma giggled lightly as said girl sat up. Her hair messy and uncombed looked as though a rat had decided on making it a resting place for a warm nights stay.

A smile spread across Miyuki's face and she lunged. Throwing her arms around Shizuma's shoulders and knocking the girl back into a set of pale feather pillows. Shizuma was overwhelmed and began laughing uncontrollably as Miyuki's hands ran over her body tickling in her most squeamish of area's. After a short fight of wrestling and "stop that's", Miyuki was tossed off the bed. And a red faced Shizuma looked over her from a top resituating the black tank top that clung to her thin body.

"You know I hate it when you tickle me Miyuki." Shizuma pointed out defensively.

"I know Shizu. But I cant help it. Its just so adorable how you get so flustered." Shizuma playfully grasped at a pillow and tossed it in Miyuki's face. As Miyuki removed the pillow her face turned from playful to serious. "Shizuma, now I need you to pay attention. I'm taking you out today. For the whole day. And I guess our stupid alarm clock didn't go off…again. We're on a pretty tight schedule. And looking at my cell phone," Miyuki pulls out a pink blackberry and gazes at its screen "we only have oh about an hour to get ready." Shizuma notices a small smirk play across her lovers face. "And I call shower first" she cried cheesing it (cheesing it means going very quickly. My friend and I made it up.) into the bathroom and hurriedly shutting the door behind her.

Shizuma laughed gleefully to herself before standing up and making her way into the kitchen. Shizuma smiled as she heard the water turn on and Miyuki began singing Ampersand by Amanda Palmer to herself. Digging through the cupboard Shizuma's hands clutched onto what they were looking for. Happily she pulled out the coffee grinds.

While the comforting sound of coffee bubbling and Miyuki's sweet voice rang through the apartment Shizuma stripped herself of her pajamas and began opening drawers searching for an outfit. Her eyes unwantedly grazed over the top of her bureau landing on her small black razor phone.

Curiously Shizuma flipped it open to reveal a text from Nagisa. It read.

**_How goes your life with that damn other? I miss you terribly. Its been a week and you don't even reply to any of my messages or calls. Give Miyuki my love. NOT!_**

Groaning under her breath Shizuma turned her phone off and tucked it neatly into the left side pocket in the pants she had just previously put on. They were tight and skinny. Just the way Shizuma liked. Clinging to her body from the ankles to the belt loops. While black heeled boots accompanied her feet and a yellow fitted tank top hung from her shoulders.

While Miyuki took forever in the shower Shizuma plugged in her hair curler and began on eye makeup. And by the time that water waster Miyuki had come out from the bathroom said lover was already and perfected. Miyuki looked questioningly at Shizuma. "Your not going to take a shower?"

"Oh, no. First of all you take to long. Second I took one yesterday. And third I'll just take one tonight. No big deal." Shizuma pointed out as her lips grazed the surface of her coffee cup and the amber liquid rushed into her mouth. Softly burning at her lush lips.

Miyuki's shoulders rested into a shrug motion before she turned away to pull some clothes on herself.

--

Before heading out the door into the frozen world of late autumn Shizuma placed a warm coffee mug into Miyuki's hands. Gleaming at Shizuma, Miyuki kissed her girlfriend lightly on the lips leaving a thin layer of cinnamon apple lip gloss behind. The two girls stepped out the door and Miyuki locked it behind them.

"So what's first on the agenda today?" Shizuma asked before taking a sip off her own coffee mug.

"Well step inside this fine vehicle, love, and you will find out." Miyuki exaggerated as she opened up the door of an old Toyota she had purchased because it was more "gas efficient" and let Shizuma inside. Miyuki ventured to the other side of the beat up scarp of metal and sat in the drivers seat. After about an hour of countryside driving they arrived at a destination. Confused Shizuma stepped out of the car onto a dirt driveway.

Though the sun rose high above, the frigid air licked at the skin that was showing on both girls. In this case Shizuma's hands and Miyuki's legs. Shizuma looked around. Miyuki had brought her to an apple orchard. A beautiful assortment of trees grew in the distance. Bearing beautiful fruits of red green and the brightest of yellows. While larger oaks and maple trees in the distance shed their leaves. Sending a mess of gorgeous gold and red cascaded to the earth.

Shizuma smiled to herself as she felt Miyuki's arms wrap around her waist from behind. While Miyuki's right gloved hand interlocked with the fingers of Shizuma's bare one.

"Come on inside and we'll buy a basket and go picking." Miyuki's voice rang. Shizuma lightly nodded to this and the two made their way into an old farm house.

As the two escaped inside they were automatically greeted by a rush of warmth and the unmistakable scent of apple cider hanging in the air. An old woman appeared from behind closed doors and greeted the two lovers with a warm smile. "Here to pick some apples?" She cheerily asked. Miyuki nodded and the woman retrieved for them a hand made basket. "Fill it up to the top dear, with as many apples as you so desire. The cost is only 1500 yen." Miyuki reached into her jacket pocket and brought out the money.

Out in the orchard Miyuki decided to show off a bit by climbing up one of the trees. Resulting in her being stuck and Shizuma having to climb up and retrieve her. "That was very smooth of you Miyuki." Shizuma taunted her partner as Miyuki's face grew red and she turned away to hide it.

"I just wanted to get the apple at the very top. It was really big and looked in need of picking."

"Sure, sure." Shizuma said as she lugged a full basket of different apples back to the car. Once back inside the vehicle Miyuki turned the keys and they headed to the next destination.

Arriving in the middle of a small city. Miyuki stepped out of the car and opened the doors for Shizuma. "Care for a shopping spree?" Miyuki's voice chimed elegantly.

"Sure I'll go shopping, but what's the money limit?" Shizuma asked in a questioning tone.

"There isn't one today Shizu, its all about you."

'She's spoiling me but I absolutely love it.' Shizuma thought to herself as the two walked hand in hand into an expensive shoe store.

Shizuma gasped as she walked through the doors. Her immediate reaction was to turn around and walk away. But Miyuki was here holding her hand pulling her forward. Before them paying for a pair of heels was Nagisa. The expression on the platinum's face was the same as said red head. Utter surprise.

Nagisa's expression turned from baffled to furious as she noticed who was holding the hand of her love.

Nagisa stormed furiously over after purchasing.

Shizuma stood scared of what would happen next while poor Miyuki not knowing of what was happening admired shoes on a shelf. As Nagisa grew closer her hands shot out and pushed Miyuki harshly into a wall. Miyuki looked up frightened. Shizuma shouted begging and pleading with Nagisa to control her temper. But the temper did not stop. Nagisa knowing she was being cruel walked up to Miyuki and looked her in the eyes. "I bet Shizuma didn't tell you about how we slept together last week. About how she loves me more than she could possibly ever YOU! Did she tell you about our secret meetings and of how she always tells me that we're going to be together forever. And that you'll grow tired of her eventually!" Tears ran quickly down Nagisa's cheeks as shoved Miyuki harder into the wall. Before leaving Nagisa's hands shot out and struck Shizuma hard across the face." Clutching at her shoe bag Nagisa rushed out the doors leaving a door bell ringing at her departure. Shizuma left with a swollen cheek, Miyuki with a broken heart and customers with curious expressions

**End Of Chapter**

**I decided to hit this chapter with a little bit more of a different writing style than the last. I'm so glad that you guys are reviewing. And if you like my fan fiction then please do keep reviewing cause it's the only motivation I have that pushed me to update.** **Tell me what cha think!!**


	3. Hallelujah

The obscured moon outside hung in the air. Clouds wrapped seemingly around its bright exterior. Stars shone like angles. Angles pasted againts a dark background...Down on earth inside a very small cramped cafe sat a very sad girl with a very aching heart. Music played in the cafe. Music that reminded the girl of her love. The love that needed more. Always more.

**_Well I heard there was a secret chord that David played, and it pleased the Lord but you don't really care for music, do ya? Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth the minor fall and the major lift the baffled king composing Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah_**

The comforting smell of freshly ground coffee was held in the air. Dim lights hung from the ceiling barely lighting the floor. Lovers lay on worn leather couches in each others arms they kissed. While empty cups sat lonely on the wooden tables.

Tears fell from the sad girls cheeks. Landing in her coffee. Not caring she cried on. People watched her with questioning glances. Their hearts falling down, down. They knew something was wrong and felt bad. Wouldn't you?

The image of the platinum haired beauty hung in the sad girls mind. She couldn't rid of it. Even though she did desire for it to dissapear...she desired it with all her heart. She wanted everything to go away. But memory's of sheer bliss, white sheets, laughter and a certain smiling face would not leave.

_** Well Your faith was strong but you needed proof you saw her bathing on the roof her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you she tied you to her kitchen chair and she broke your throne and she cut your hair and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah**_

Outside a cold strong wind shook the trees violently. White whisps of snow fell from the heavens above landing on the frozen streets.

The bell notifying that somebody was coming in chimed through the cafe. Miyuki looked up to see a woman in a dark leather jacket standing by her seat. Short blue hair covered her eyes and a sad smile crossed her face. She rested a hand on Miyuki's shoulder. Miyuki let out a cry of sorrow and flung herself into the other girls arms. While harsh shudders of anguish seared through her body and sobs of fallen love soaked the others clothes.

Comforting words were whispered but nothing worked to sooth her, the one shaking. Once Miyuki had calmed down a little she sat up in her chair and Amane sat in the seat on the other side of the table. "Miyuki, what happened? You were so shaken up on the phone I couldn't understand..."

"She cheated on me Amane! She cheated on me... I, I, was going to ask her to marry me. Today. Today was supposed to be special. But it ended up like this. I love her so fucking much. And I thought she loved me back. But I guess that isn't the case. I did everything I could for her. So many things. And this is how she repays me. By tramping around with fucking Nagisa!"

_** Well baby I've been here before I've seen this room and I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew ya  
I've seen your flag on the marble arch love is not a victory march it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah Hallelujah  
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah**_

"Are you still with her?"

"Yes." Miyuki muttered in a defeated tone. "I cant let go of her. I love her to much. Truley. I don't know how I can survive without her. Shes sitting at home right now. Alone. At least I think so. Though I could be wrong. Obviously I've been wrong about that sort of thing before...I'm going to go back to her tonight to "talk about it." But really I dont want to see her right now. But I need to do this... Thank you Amane. For coming, that is. I really needed someone to talk to."

" Its really no problem at all Miyuki. I mean. God Shizuma is a bitch. I dont understand how she could have done that to you. And I must say I think you should leave her. If Hikari ever did that to me I would leave in a heartbeat."

"Yeah, thats what you like to think. I used to think I would be strong enough to leave her if this sort of thing ever happened. But I'm not." Miyuki muttered. Her heart swelling up. Tears growing large in her eyes for what seemed to be the hundreth time that day.

_** Well there was a time when you let me know what's really going on below but now you never show that to me do you? And remember when I moved in you? And the holy dove was moving too and every breath we drew was Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah**_

Miyuki grabbed for her purse and stood up. Wrapping herself in a plaid jacket and slinging her accesory over her shoulder she walked over to where Amane sat. "Thanks again Amane. I'm really happy that you came. But all this talk about Shizuma is getting me worked up. And honestly I'd rather go home and talk with her than ball my eyes out in public again today.

Amane sighed and grabbed Miyuki's hand lightly kissing its surface. "Your welcome Miyuki. There is no need at all to thank me. Whenever you need a shoulder to cry on I'll be here."

Muttering her thanks again Miyuki left the cafe out into the cold night.

The younger girl now sat alone. Looking up at the singer on the small stage. A dark yellow light shone down on him as he sang.

_** Well maybe there's a God above but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who'd OUT DREW YA  
and it's not a cry that you hear at night it's not somebody who's seen the light it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah  
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah**_

**End Of Chapter**

**Ok so theres that. I just wanted to put in Miyuki's feelings about the whole issue. I know it was a short chapter but I'm sort of writing this at 12 at night and goly I sure am tired. But please people if you want more keep reviewing. Because with my whole JR year of high school I have alot of work to do. And when I dont get reviews I just sort of pass off writing another chapter. Because school work is rather more important. And when people are not commenting its sort of like whats the point? But thank you so much to everybody who is reviewing!! I really appriciate it!**


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